The Person I Am Becoming

On ten years of reading Scripture, grace, and the slow work of becoming

I gave my Bible for rebinding today. I have used this particular copy for more than ten years, and although I could have bought a new one, something about letting this one go did not sit right with me. The binding cost ₹500, not counting the time spent travelling and the other little expenses. A new Bible would have cost more, but money was not the only consideration. This one has been with me for a long time, and I want to keep using it.

I do not know exactly why I felt so attached to it. Maybe it is the familiarity of the pages, the history of returning to the same words, or simply the fact that this book has accompanied me through so many years. Whatever the reason, I decided it was worth repairing rather than replacing.

Without my physical Bible, I will miss my usual morning reading today. I can always read online, but I found myself thinking about something else: after all these years of reading Scripture, have I actually become a better person?

I do not mean better in the sense of becoming more deserving of God's approval. I know that is not something I can earn. I mean better in the ordinary, difficult sense of becoming more patient, more honest, more loving, more responsible, and less ruled by my weaknesses. Has all this reading changed the person I am, or have I merely accumulated knowledge about the person I ought to be?

I cannot give myself an easy answer.

I know more now than I did when I began reading the Bible, but knowledge and character are not the same thing. I can understand forgiveness and still struggle to forgive. I can read about humility and discover pride in myself before the day is over. I can understand grace and still feel ashamed when I fail. Knowing what is good does not automatically give me the strength to do it.

Yet the persistence of a struggle does not necessarily mean that nothing has changed. I may recognise my pride sooner than I once did, and return after a failure instead of allowing it to define me completely. I may notice the suffering of others more readily, or think a little longer before judging them. These changes are difficult to measure, and I do not want to invent progress simply because I wish to believe that the years have made me better. Some things may have improved; others may still need considerable work.

I have sometimes worried about my motives, even when I do something good. Was I genuinely trying to help, or did I want to be seen as someone who helps? Was my reading an act of devotion, or was I performing devotion for an audience, even if that audience existed only in my imagination? I want to be sincere, but I am beginning to see how exhausting it can become when I examine every action as though I were investigating a crime.

There is a difference between examining my motives honestly and demanding that every motive be perfectly pure. Human beings are complicated. I can want to do something good and still enjoy being appreciated for doing it. I can sincerely love someone and still be selfish at times. Mixed motives do not automatically make every good action false, though they may reveal areas in which I need to grow. I must learn to be honest about my imperfections without turning that honesty into another way of condemning myself.

This brings me back to the distinction between becoming better so that God will accept me and becoming better because I have received grace. The two may look similar from the outside. Both people may read Scripture, pray, serve others, resist temptation, and try to live responsibly. But their reasons for doing so are different.

One is trying to establish a claim upon God: look at what I have done; surely I deserve your approval now. The other is responding to a gift: I have received more than I could earn, so I want my life to reflect the goodness I have received.

I want to live in the second direction. Not because I have mastered it, but because I believe it is the truer way to understand the Christian life.

Grace does not make my actions irrelevant. It does not excuse cruelty, dishonesty, selfishness, or the harm I cause others. If anything, it gives me greater reason to face these things honestly. I do not have to defend myself at all costs or pretend that my failures are smaller than they are. I can admit that I have done wrong, seek forgiveness, make amends where possible, and try to do better. My failures matter, but they do not have to become the final verdict on my life.

I think of the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These are not achievements I can present to God in exchange for acceptance. They are qualities of a life being shaped by the Spirit. They give me a better way to think about growth. Am I learning to tell the truth when dishonesty would be easier, and to accept correction without treating it as an attack on my worth? Am I becoming more patient with people who inconvenience me, and more generous toward those who cannot repay me?

I need not answer yes to every question. The questions are not another examination I must pass. They simply remind me to look beyond how much I know and consider how I live.

One of the dangers of reading Scripture for many years is that I can become familiar with the language of faith without allowing it to challenge the life I actually lead. I can know the right words about grace while refusing to extend grace to someone who has wronged me. I can admire humility in a biblical character while remaining defensive when someone points out my own pride. Familiarity with the text is valuable, but familiarity alone is not transformation.

Still, I do not want to dismiss the years I have spent reading. The same passage can meet me differently at different stages of life. The words remain, but I return to them as someone who has experienced more of the world, made more mistakes, encountered more questions, and discovered that some of my earlier assumptions were mistaken. Reading Scripture is not merely collecting information. It is also returning, listening, questioning, remembering, and allowing the text to question me in return.

I do not need to become a finished person before I can say that this journey has mattered. I only need to be honest about where I have grown and where I have not.

My Bible is being rebound because I want to continue using it. Its old binding has worn out, but the book itself is still worth keeping. I find something fitting in that, though I do not want to force the comparison too far. Human growth is not as simple as repairing a book. Some things need to be strengthened, some habits need to be changed, and some wounds require more than time. There is no guarantee that a person becomes wiser merely by growing older or more loving merely by reading about love.

But I can continue. I can keep returning to Scripture, not to prove that the years have made me worthy, but because I still have much to learn. I can keep asking whether my beliefs are taking shape in the way I treat people, respond to failure, and understand myself before God. And when I discover that I have not changed as much as I hoped, I can acknowledge it without pretending that all progress has been lost.

I am not the person I was ten years ago, though I cannot neatly measure everything that has changed. I am also not the person I hope to become. There is still much in me that needs correction, and much I do not yet understand.

Tomorrow afternoon, I will get my Bible back. I will open the familiar pages and continue reading. The book will have a stronger binding, but I will still be the same imperfect reader, with questions I have not resolved and weaknesses I have not overcome. I do not have to arrive at perfection before I can continue the journey.

For now, I want to keep reading and keep learning to love, and to keep returning to the One whose faithfulness does not depend upon mine.

The Bird Above Our Heads: Temptation, Shame, and the Grace of God

There is a Chinese proverb that says, “You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.”¹ I came across this proverb some time ago, and it stayed with me. There is something simple about it, yet it says a great deal about human nature. We cannot always control what enters our minds, what catches our attention, or what desires arise within us. But we have some responsibility for what we entertain, encourage, and allow to take root in our lives.

The proverb speaks of sorrow, but it has become a useful way for me to think about temptation. A thought can arrive without invitation. An image can catch our attention before we have time to look away. A desire can arise even when we have no intention of acting on it. The appearance of temptation and our response to it are not the same thing, and confusing the two can leave us fighting not only our desires but also the guilt of having experienced them.

At the same time, the proverb cannot excuse every choice. The bird may arrive uninvited, but we can still decide whether to feed it. We cannot always control the first movement of the mind, but we can learn to direct our attention, change our habits, and avoid situations that repeatedly make our weaknesses harder to resist. Closing a distracting app, walking away from a tempting situation, or refusing to entertain a thought any further may seem like small acts, yet a life is often shaped by such ordinary decisions.

Not every act of resistance is heroic, and we do not need to turn discipline into a performance or make our struggles the measure of our worth. We are simply trying to live according to what we believe is good. Having resisted a temptation many times does not mean we are incapable of yielding to it tomorrow. Past success is something to be grateful for, not a guarantee of future strength.

This brings me to a question that has interested me: why does sexual sin often seem to carry a particularly heavy psychological and moral weight? Why can it make a person feel not merely guilty about an action but deeply uncomfortable with themselves, even in their relationship with God?

I do not believe that every sin has identical consequences, or that all wrongdoing causes the same kind of harm. Our actions differ in their effects on ourselves and on others. But I am interested in the particular burden that sexual temptation and sexual shame can carry, and I think several aspects of human nature help explain it.

The first is that sexuality is deeply personal. It involves the body, desire, imagination, vulnerability, and the way we relate to other people. It is not merely an abstract idea or a rule written in a book, but is connected to some of our strongest human impulses and to the way we experience ourselves as embodied beings. When we believe we have acted against our moral convictions in this area, the conflict can feel unusually intimate. We are not simply disappointed with a decision; we may feel that we have betrayed something within ourselves.

The second is the connection between sexuality and identity. When we repeatedly struggle with something, we can begin to interpret the struggle as a description of who we are. There is a difference between saying, “I have done something wrong,” and saying, “There is something fundamentally wrong with me.” The first statement leaves room for responsibility, repentance, and change. The second can become a prison.

This distinction matters because shame often moves from the action to the person. Guilt says that something I did was wrong. Shame tells me that I am the sort of person who is unworthy of love or acceptance. The two can overlap, but they are not identical. Guilt can help us recognise harm and correct our course. Shame can persuade us that there is no point in trying because our whole identity has already been condemned.

A third factor is secrecy. We may be comfortable admitting that we have been impatient, selfish, or dishonest, yet find it much harder to acknowledge our sexual struggles, because they touch parts of ourselves that we find difficult to discuss openly. Secrecy then gives shame room to grow, and what cannot be spoken about honestly can begin to feel more powerful and defining than it really is.

A fourth is the cultural and religious environment we live in. Sexual purity is sometimes discussed with such intensity that people are left with the impression that sexual failure is uniquely disqualifying. A person may come to believe, even without consciously accepting the idea, that this particular struggle places them at a greater distance from God than other failures do. The result is a painful contradiction: the mind believes in divine mercy, but the heart hesitates to approach the One from whom that mercy is sought.

None of this means that sexual ethics should be dismissed as unnecessary guilt. Sexuality matters, and our choices can affect our own well-being and the lives of others. Desire does not remove responsibility, and good intentions do not erase harmful consequences. The point is not to make every concern about sexual behaviour disappear by calling it shame. The point is to distinguish genuine moral responsibility from the additional condemnation we sometimes place upon ourselves.

We can acknowledge that an action is wrong without declaring the person beyond redemption, take temptation seriously without making it the centre of our identity, and recognise the consequences of sin without concluding that every failure carries the same consequences or that every struggle reveals the same degree of moral failure.

I was thinking about these things while reading Hebrews 12, especially verse 4: “In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.” In its original context, the author is encouraging a community under pressure to persevere in faithfulness to Christ. The verse is not specifically about sexual temptation. It belongs to a larger argument about endurance, suffering, and refusing to abandon the faith.

Still, although Scripture was not written directly to us, it was written for us, and understanding the original meaning does not prevent us from asking what a passage has to teach us today. The verse reminded me that resisting sin can demand endurance and that we should not take perseverance for granted. It also made me grateful that the ordinary struggles of life do not all require the same kind of suffering. We do not need to face the most extreme trial imaginable before our efforts to remain faithful are meaningful.

A little later in the chapter, the author offers an image I find especially encouraging: “Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees” (Hebrews 12:12).

I like the honesty of that picture. The author does not pretend that the runners are never tired. Their hands droop; their knees grow weak. The instruction is to strengthen them and continue. Weakness is acknowledged, but it is not treated as the end of the journey.

There is something here that reminds me of the call to confront our weaknesses rather than surrender passively to them. We cannot build a meaningful life by following every impulse or choosing whatever offers immediate satisfaction. There are dragons we must face: habits that diminish us, fears that keep us stagnant, and desires that promise more than they can deliver. Sometimes the next step is not dramatic. It is getting up, making a better choice, and trying again.

Yet the Christian understanding of this struggle has a centre beyond self-discipline. Hebrews tells its readers to run with endurance while looking to Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith (Hebrews 12:1–2). That changes the nature of the race. If the only thing sustaining me is the need to prove that I am stronger than my desires, every difficult day becomes a threat to my identity. I must constantly demonstrate that I am disciplined enough, pure enough, and strong enough. Even success can become dangerous if it persuades me that I no longer need help.

Christian faith offers another way of understanding responsibility. I must make choices, but I am not my own saviour. I must resist temptation, but my resistance is not the price of God's love. I must pursue holiness, but I do not pursue it to persuade God to accept me. I pursue it because I believe his grace is worth responding to and because the life he calls me towards is good.

I remember a thought from reading Philip Yancey during my graduation days. I may not recall his exact wording, but the idea has stayed with me: there is nothing I can do that will make God love me less, and nothing I can do that will make him love me more.

I find this both comforting and challenging. God's love is not a wage paid according to my moral performance. I cannot earn an additional measure of love by resisting temptation for years, and I do not become unlovable because I struggle tomorrow. But this does not mean that God approves of everything I do or that my actions cease to matter. Love and approval are not identical. Grace does not call evil good; it makes repentance and transformation possible without making perfection the admission price for approaching God.

I think of the father in Jesus' parable of the prodigal son. The son returns home after wasting what he has been given. He does not arrive with a repaired moral record or a convincing account of his achievements. He returns in need, and his father welcomes him. The welcome does not make the son's earlier choices good. It reveals the character of the father. We respond to God's goodness; we do not purchase it.

There is also a danger in allowing the struggle against sin to become a struggle against ourselves. We can become so occupied with monitoring our thoughts, examining our motives, and measuring our progress that we begin to live in constant suspicion of our own humanity. Every temptation becomes a crisis. Every failure becomes evidence in a case against ourselves. We may spend so much time worrying about whether we are spiritually acceptable that we forget to live the life we have been given.

The answer is not indifference but a more truthful understanding of what faithfulness requires. An unwanted thought is not a deliberate choice, encountering temptation is not welcoming it, and a mistake does not erase all previous progress. We can take responsibility for our choices without turning every passing thought into a verdict on our character.

Hebrews itself holds warning and encouragement together. It calls its readers to persevere, yet the same letter invites them to approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that they may receive mercy and find grace in their time of need (Hebrews 4:16). The invitation would make little sense if we had to resolve every struggle before approaching God. We come because we need mercy; we seek strength because we are not self-sufficient.

That does not mean the consequences of our choices disappear. Some consequences are immediate, while others unfold over time. Some affect only us; others affect people who never chose to be part of our struggle. Grace does not make those realities irrelevant. It gives us a reason to face them honestly rather than hide from them. Repentance is not pretending that nothing happened. It is refusing to let what happened have the final word about what we do next.

I cannot promise that temptation will never return, and I do not think anyone needs to claim permanent victory over every weakness in order to live faithfully today. A more honest commitment is to keep practising discernment, to make it harder for familiar temptations to take hold, to seek help when necessary, and to return to the right path when we stray. We can be grateful for the ground we have covered without imagining that tomorrow's choices have already been made.

Above all, we must remember that a struggle, however persistent, is not the entirety of a human life. There is reading, work, friendship, service, laughter, creativity, and the ordinary business of being alive. The pursuit of holiness should shape these things, not swallow them whole. We are not called to spend every waking moment staring at our weaknesses. We are called to become people who can recognise them honestly and continue to live responsibly.

This is where I return to the proverb. I may not be able to prevent every bird from flying over my head, but I need not give every bird a place to settle. I have some responsibility for what I welcome and nurture. That responsibility is real, but it does not require me to control every thought or to imagine that I must become invulnerable.

The bird may return tomorrow, and I will still have choices to make. I will sometimes be strong and sometimes discover how weak I am. What matters is that I do not confuse today's temptation with tomorrow's decision, or today's failure with the whole story of my life.

When my hands grow weak and my knees begin to droop, I want to remember the words of Hebrews 12: strengthen them, and keep running. Not because I have proved myself invulnerable, and not because endurance purchases God's affection, but because the race is worth continuing.

The chapter does not tell me to spend my life staring at the dragons. It tells me to look to Jesus, and that is where I want my attention to return: not to a flattering picture of my own discipline, nor to a condemning picture of my weakness, but to the One whose grace makes honest repentance possible and whose faithfulness gives me reason to continue.

¹ This saying is commonly attributed to a Chinese proverb, although its precise origin is uncertain. Similar versions appear in different cultural and religious contexts, including versions associated with Martin Luther. The wording also varies across sources.

The Madness of a Wise Man: Don Quixote on Arms and Letters

There are moments in Don Quixote when Cervantes makes us laugh at his knight, and there are moments when he makes us stop laughing for a while. His discourse on arms and letters, delivered over supper (Chapter 37&38), is one of the second kind (the first among the goatherd).

Our knight begins speaking about the relative merits of the soldier and the scholar, and what follows isn't the rambling of a foolish man at all. It's an elaborate, learned, surprisingly coherent argument about courage, knowledge, duty, sacrifice, and what a person owes the society around them. This is precisely what makes Quixote such a remarkable character to me: he isn't a stupid man who occasionally says something intelligent. He's an intelligent man whose intelligence has been badly directed, and that distinction changes everything about how I read him.

He's read enormously, has an impressive memory, and can organize his thoughts into a genuinely persuasive argument. When he speaks about arms, he isn't glorifying violence or adventure for its own sake. He's thinking about the person who puts his own life in danger for the protection of others, who faces uncertainty and hardship and possibly death so that other people can live in peace. There's something genuinely noble in that ideal, and I think it's part of why we keep loving him even when we're laughing at him.

We laugh when he charges at windmills, when he mistakes an inn for a castle, when he sees giants where there are only wine skins. Then, in the middle of all that, he says something that stops the laughter cold, and you find yourself wondering whether this man is a fool at all, or whether the actual problem is that his imagination has simply taken hold of his intelligence rather than the other way around. His learning gave him real concepts of honor, justice, courage, and service. His imagination then took those concepts and built an entire alternative world around them. The tragedy isn't that Quixote has ideals. The tragedy is that he can't always tell the difference between an ideal and the reality he's supposed to be applying it to.

Cervantes makes this even sharper through how the other people at the table react to him. When Quixote finishes, the listeners are astonished — they've just heard a man speak with extraordinary intelligence and eloquence, and yet they know this is the same man convinced that ordinary objects are enchanted, that he's a knight errant, that impossible adventures are unfolding around him at every turn. Their astonishment is really the same question the whole novel keeps asking: how can someone who understands so much misunderstand reality so completely? I think that's exactly why Cervantes won't let us simply mock him. Intelligence doesn't guarantee wisdom, and knowledge doesn't guarantee judgment, and imagination cut loose from reality can genuinely become dangerous.

But imagination itself isn't the villain here. It's also what makes Quixote generous, and courageous, and capable of seeing dignity where everyone else sees only ordinary people — the prostitutes he imagines as princesses, his instinct to defend Marcela's freedom, his desire to correct the injustice done to Andrés, his attempt to free the prisoners on the road. His vision is almost always wrong. But the moral impulse underneath the vision is, more often than not, genuinely beautiful. That's why I can't just call him a fool anymore. He's our fool, sure 😂, but he's also something more complicated than that: a man whose mind reaches for very high places while his feet keep stumbling over the reality right in front of him.

I think that's why I recognize something of myself in him, if I'm honest. We can all be intelligent and still misunderstand. We can have real knowledge and still lack judgment. We can hold beautiful ideals and still apply them badly, or get so attached to the story we've built about the world that we stop listening to what the world is actually telling us. Quixote just does it on a magnificent scale, with an audience watching, in a story that won't let him off the hook for it.

When Good Intentions Are Not Enough

Some stories end when the hero rides away. The villain is defeated, the innocent is rescued, justice has been done, and the hero disappears over the horizon while we assume everyone lived happily ever after. Real life is rarely so kind, and one of the quiet masterpieces of Don Quixote is that Cervantes refuses to let an unfinished story stay comfortably unfinished.

Early in the novel, Don Quixote comes upon a young shepherd named Andrés being whipped by his master. The old knight does exactly what we'd expect a knight to do: he confronts the farmer, demands the beating stop, orders him to pay the wages the boy is owed, and warns of severe consequences if he disobeys. Satisfied that justice has been restored, Quixote rides away, and we cheer him for it.

Then Cervantes quietly shows us what Quixote never saw. The farmer waited only until the knight disappeared over the hill, then beat Andrés more severely than before.

Months later, Cervantes brings Andrés back into the story, and it's one of the most surprising moments in the novel. Surely the boy will thank his rescuer. Instead he says, in effect, if you ever see me in trouble again, please do not help me.

I laughed. Then I stopped laughing.

His words are funny only because they're painfully true. Quixote's intentions were noble, his courage was genuine, his desire for justice was real — and none of that protected the boy. A stirring speech without faithful follow-through became little more than theater, and the audience paid the price for it.

That scene has stayed with me because it reaches well past Cervantes' Spain. We often mistake intention for accomplishment. We congratulate ourselves for caring, speaking, posting, protesting, promising, denouncing — and the question that actually matters gets skipped past: did the person who needed help receive it? Good intentions are where virtue begins, not where it's completed. I'd learned that lesson years before I read this chapter, but Cervantes reminded me of it with fresh force. Compassion needs wisdom alongside it. Courage needs perseverance alongside it. Sometimes helping someone means staying long enough to find out whether the justice you delivered actually took root once you'd left.

There's another detail in that scene I keep returning to, and it's easy to miss on a first read. When Andrés finally tells Quixote what really happened — that the beating got worse, that no wages ever came — Quixote doesn't get to answer him. He marches up, furious, meaning to chastise the farmer's cruelty all over again, and the boy simply runs off before Quixote can finish, wanting nothing more to do with the knight's promises. It's Sancho, not Quixote, who quietly hands Andrés some bread before the boy disappears down the road.

I think Cervantes did something deliberate here. Quixote doesn't get a final word in this scene, and knowing what his noble, unthinking gesture actually cost the boy, I don't think he should. The knight who spoke so eloquently the first time is denied the chance to speak at all the second time — the story simply moves past him. Sancho, meanwhile, says nothing memorable at all. He just gives the boy something to eat. One offered ideals, the other offered lunch, and in that particular moment, it was the loaf of bread that accomplished what the speech never could.

I say all this still loving Don Quixote, and still loving our beloved Knight of the Rueful Countenance. But I think that's exactly why Cervantes lets him lose the last word here. Some lessons only land when even the hero doesn't get to explain himself.

The Stories We Never Finished Hearing

 

How much of what you believe about the people closest to you is actually true — and how much of it did you write yourself, in the silence they left behind?

Most of us make decisions with only half the story. A rumor reaches us before the truth. A conversation ends too soon. A message goes unanswered. Someone walks away, and we instinctively supply an ending to the story ourselves. We assume motives, assign blame, and slowly build an entire narrative from fragments. The frightening part is not that we do this; it is that we eventually begin to believe our own version.

While reading Don Quixote, I was reminded how dangerous an unfinished story can become.

For several chapters, Cervantes lets us live inside Cardenio's grief. He believes the woman he loves, Luscinda, has abandoned him for another man. His heartbreak is understandable, and so is his despair. Everything he has seen seems to confirm the worst. The evidence appears complete.

Then Dorotea enters the story.

She does not arrive as a plot device sent to fix Cardenio's confusion. She arrives carrying an unfinished story of her own — betrayed by the same man, Fernando, who abandoned her after promising marriage, left to wander the mountains disguised as a shepherd boy, her own reputation and future as unresolved as Cardenio's heartbreak. She is not merely the bearer of missing information. She is someone else living the same problem from a different angle, still waiting for her own chapters to be completed.

And yet, in supplying what Cardenio didn't know, she does something more important than resolving her own plot. She completes his.

Luscinda had remained faithful all along. She had resisted the forced marriage. She had declared her love publicly before everything fell into confusion. The tragedy had been real, but Cardenio's understanding of it had been incomplete.

What changed him was not a new love or a miracle. It was the missing truth.

That moment stayed with me long after I closed the book because it reminded me how often we live by incomplete stories about ourselves or about others. A careless rumor, a misunderstood conversation, an assumption left unchallenged — these can imprison us for years. We replay them until they become the lens through which we see everything else. The mind quietly fills in the missing chapters, and imagination hardens into certainty.

How many friendships have ended because neither person knew the whole story?

How many families carry wounds that began with an assumption no one ever questioned?

How many people spend years believing they are unwanted, forgotten, or beyond forgiveness because they have mistaken one painful chapter for the entire book?

Truth cannot rewrite the past.

Cardenio still suffered. Dorotea was still betrayed. Luscinda still endured fear and uncertainty.

Yet truth accomplished something equally remarkable: it reopened the future. Hope returned because falsehood no longer held the final word.

I find that deeply encouraging.

Perhaps wisdom is not merely learning new things but allowing old misunderstandings to be corrected. Sometimes the greatest breakthrough in our lives is not discovering an unknown truth but surrendering a cherished falsehood.

As a Christian, I cannot help hearing echoes of a larger story. The Bible repeatedly presents truth not as mere information but as something that liberates. Jesus said, "You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." Freedom begins when reality finally speaks louder than fear, gossip, suspicion, or shame.

Perhaps that is why unfinished stories are so dangerous. They invite us to become authors when we are only readers. We write endings that were never ours to write.

I keep thinking about the story I am still writing about someone else right now — the one built from a silence I never questioned, an ending I supplied because no one had corrected it yet. I don't know, tonight, whether it's true.

Why We Need the End of the Story

There is something strangely unbearable about an unfinished story.

I was reading Don Quixote recently, and Cervantes kept doing this maddening thing. First Sancho starts telling a story about goats being ferried across a river, and Quixote gets so fixated on keeping count of the goats that the story collapses before it ever arrives anywhere. Then a mysterious figure in the mountains — later revealed as Cardenio — begins his tale, and just as he reaches the confession at its center, Quixote interrupts again, this time over a throwaway line about a queen in a chivalric romance. Cardenio, understandably, loses his composure entirely.

I remember reading that chapter and audibly protesting. No. Let him finish.

And that's when I noticed something. Cervantes wasn't just writing an eccentric knight. He was doing to me, the reader, exactly what he was describing on the page. Three stories in a row, snatched away right before completion, and by the time it happened a third time, I realized the frustration wasn't incidental to the book. It was the point. Quixote's madness, his obsessive need to correct details nobody else cares about, becomes a kind of narrative device: it makes you feel the ache of interruption from the inside, rather than just watch it happen to someone else.

You are watching a film. Just as the detective opens the final letter, the screen goes black. A friend begins telling you about the most extraordinary thing that happened to them, only to be interrupted and called away. A novel ends with the words, "To be continued."

Something inside us protests.

"No... finish it."

This reaction is so common that we rarely stop to ask why. Why does the mind refuse to let go?

Psychologists speak of the Zeigarnik Effect: our tendency to remember unfinished tasks more vividly than completed ones. An unresolved story lingers in the mind because the brain dislikes incompleteness. It quietly keeps working in the background, searching for an ending that never arrives. Cardenio's confession, interrupted mid-sentence, is still doing that work in me weeks later.

Yet I suspect there is something deeper than psychology.

We are creatures who think in stories.

Long before children understand philosophy, they understand, "Once upon a time." We introduce ourselves by telling stories. We remember our families through stories. Nations preserve themselves through stories. Even our memories are not arranged like spreadsheets but like narratives with beginnings, turning points, triumphs, failures, and hope.

Stories are one of the ways we make sense of existence.

Perhaps that is why cliffhangers have become one of the oldest tools of storytelling. Cervantes knew this centuries before television invented the season finale. A filmmaker withholds the final revelation. A novelist ends a chapter just before the confession. A television series leaves a door unopened. The audience is not merely entertained; it is recruited. The story continues to unfold in the imagination long after the book is closed or the credits roll.

Good storytellers understand that curiosity is not a weakness of the mind but one of its deepest strengths. Curiosity is hope searching for completion.

Life itself, however, rarely grants us the luxury of neat conclusions.

Friendships end without explanation. Dreams are abandoned halfway. Conversations remain unfinished. Questions linger for years. We often live in the middle of stories whose endings we cannot yet see, a little like Cardenio, still wandering the mountains, still not fully believed, still waiting for someone to let him finish.

Perhaps this explains why we instinctively search for meaning. We keep asking, What happened? Why did this occur? How will this end? These questions are not merely intellectual. They are deeply human. We want our experiences to belong to a larger narrative rather than a collection of disconnected moments.

This longing reaches beyond literature.

It reaches into faith.

One of the remarkable features of the biblical story is that it presents history itself as a narrative. It begins with creation, passes through rebellion, promise, exile, redemption, and finally points toward restoration. It refuses to leave the world suspended in its darkest chapters. Suffering is not the conclusion. Neither is death. The story insists there is still another page to turn.

Whether one approaches the Bible as faith or literature, its structure speaks to something profoundly human: we hope that the ending will somehow redeem what came before.

N.T. Wright has described this grand narrative as a drama in five acts: Creation, Fall, Israel, Jesus, and Church, with the Church living out an improvised fifth act, faithful to everything that came before, still awaiting the final curtain. We are not outside the story looking in. We are on the stage, mid-scene, speaking lines whose full meaning we will only understand when the play resolves. The restoration of the whole universe is not a separate story tacked onto ours. It is the ending our act is already reaching toward, even now.

And maybe that is the deepest reason unfinished stories trouble us. We are not merely frustrated readers waiting on a filmmaker or a novelist. We are unfinished people, mid-scene in an unfinished world, still improvising our lines before an ending we trust is coming.

And so we keep reading. Even a mad knight who cannot stop interrupting other people's confessions, even a squire's goat story that never lands, even our own half-told lives. Not simply because we want to know what happens next, but because somewhere within us remains the quiet conviction that every story — including our own — is moving toward an ending worth waiting for. 

A Heart Caught Up to the Head — Reflections on Psalm 138

 

This morning's meditation was on Psalm 138, and it opened with a line I couldn't get past: though the Lord is high, he regards the lowly. It's one of those truths that seems too good, too beautiful to be true. The Creator of the universe is not distracted by greatness or impressed by status. He sees the humble. That means He sees me — not because I have achieved anything remarkable, but because His character is full of steadfast love.

But sitting with that verse, I couldn't help but feel the distance anyway. His help seems far away. And the thought crept in — maybe I've been proud, and that's why. Maybe He has resisted me. It's a strange thing to hold two truths at once: knowing, in my head, that God regards the lowly, and yet feeling, in my heart, that He's somewhere far off. I know it, but I don't always feel it, not all the time. There's a real gap between what I know and what I feel, and I think that gap is just part of being human rather than a failure of faith. Knowing something true and feeling it settled in you are different muscles. They don't always move together. Some days the knowing has to carry you until the feeling catches up.

I think, too, of how conflicted I am — full of contradictions, almost like the Underground Man from Notes from Underground. We all have a demon to face, and maybe only God can help with that. But there's a difference between him and me. The Underground Man is trapped by his contradictions, paralyzed by them, kept spiteful and underground. I don't want to stay there. Naming the mess in myself and then turning to say and yet, I have an advocate — that isn't staying underground. That's reaching for something outside myself instead of curling around the mess.

And that's the other thing that's been on my mind lately — watching a video on the Hebrew of Scripture and being undone by it. That I have a God, in Jesus, who is capable of empathizing with what I'm going through. Not a distant judge assessing whether I've done enough, but someone who has been through it and now speaks up for me from the inside of the same experience. He is my advocate before the Father. That's a strange kind of comfort — not you'll be fine shouted from a distance, but I know, I was there too, from someone who then also happens to hold my case.

David's confidence, (I wrote this morning*), is not rooted in an easy life but in a faithful God, and the difference matters. I often find myself waiting for peace to arrive through changing circumstances, but this Psalm gently reminds me that God frequently begins by strengthening the heart before He changes the situation. I cannot always see what He is doing in my life. Some prayers remain unanswered, some dreams delayed. Yet David anchors his confidence not in his own understanding but in God's enduring love. Perhaps that is the invitation of this Psalm — *'to keep walking faithfully through trouble, trusting that the Author of my story has not put his pen down' (what I wrote in my diary).

Reading those words back with fresh eyes reminded me of something I already knew but needed to feel again — that I'd answered my own question before I even asked it. The fear was never really, am I disqualified? The Psalm never made it about achievement in the first place. It was always about His character, not mine.

I came today feeling somewhat empty, worried about a future in a way I know isn't good. I'm sad, and I have reason not to be. Both things are true. And I'm glad — glad I could pour out what was weighing my heart heavy, and glad that some days, all it takes is reading your own words back to remember what you already knew. Your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.

Pedro Was Right

 One of the funniest moments I have encountered in Don Quixote — besides the windmill, the giant, or the battle — is Quixote interrupting a goatherd's story to correct his grammar.

Pedro is enthusiastically telling the tragic tale of Grisóstomo and Marcela. Everyone understands him. The story is moving forward, gathering its emotional momentum, pulling the listeners in. Then Quixote jumps in to correct a detail of language. Pedro tries again. Another interruption. Eventually Pedro reaches his limit and essentially says: either let me tell the story or be quiet.

I laughed out loud because I recognized both men completely.

Like Quixote, I notice mistakes. Sometimes when people are telling a story, I can spot grammatical errors, awkward phrasing, or factual slips, and there is a small part of me that wants to raise a hand and make a correction. But I usually stay silent — not because the mistakes do not exist, but because I have learned something Pedro already knew: people generally care more about being heard than being corrected. Communication is, above all, the transfer of meaning, and if the story arrives safely at the listener, it has already accomplished most of its purpose. The grammar is secondary to the humanity carrying it.

Cervantes understood this centuries ago, but what is remarkable is how precisely the scene maps onto something happening right now. Every time a well-known journalist or influencer makes a spelling mistake, the comments immediately fill with corrections. Sometimes the post contains genuinely important news, yet dozens of people ignore the substance entirely to focus on a missing letter. The mistake becomes the story. The correction becomes the event.

And here is where it gets more unsettling: some modern content creators have learned to use this instinct deliberately. A carefully placed error — a misspelled word, a slightly wrong date, a debatable claim — functions almost like a trap. The correction-minded viewer cannot help themselves. They comment. The algorithm reads the engagement and rewards the post with wider distribution. The creator gets reach, the commenter gets the small satisfaction of being publicly right, and the cycle continues, each side playing their role with perfect unconscious efficiency. What Pedro experienced as an interruption, the internet has turned into a business model.

Quixote's correction was technically right but socially wrong. He won the grammar and lost the conversation. The modern corrector wins the small dopamine hit of being right and loses something harder to name — perhaps the story itself, perhaps the habit of asking what actually matters in what they are reading.

Pedro kept hold of what mattered most: the meaning, the grief, the human situation at the center of the tale. He was right to be impatient.

And yet — was Quixote entirely wrong? Precision matters. Words matter. A world that stops caring about the difference between what is said and what is meant is a world that loses something real. Perhaps the honest answer is that both men were right about something, and both were missing something the other held. Pedro knew that stories need space to breathe. Quixote knew that language is not merely a vehicle but part of the cargo itself.

Cervantes, characteristically, refuses to settle the argument. He lets Pedro finish his story, and he lets Quixote remain Quixote — unteachable about most things, but not, it turns out, entirely wrong about this one.

The Mad Knight and the Messiah

 The scene in Chapter 2 of Don Quixote unexpectedly reminded me of another encounter many centuries later: Jesus speaking with the Samaritan woman at the well in Gospel of John Chapter 4. At first, the two scenes seem completely unrelated—one comic and absurd, the other sacred and spiritually profound. Yet both revolve around a deeply human theme: the longing to be seen with dignity.

When Don Quixote arrives at the inn, he mistakes it for a castle and addresses two prostitutes standing at the entrance as noble ladies. The scene is comic because Quixote is obviously delusional. His mind, “dried up” from reading too many romances, can no longer perceive reality plainly. He does not see the women as they actually are. Instead, he overlays them with the language of chivalric fantasy. For one strange evening, prostitutes become princesses.

Yet the emotional effect of the scene is more complicated than mere satire.

The women initially laugh at Quixote because he appears ridiculous—an aging man in patched armor speaking in archaic language as though he belongs to another century. But gradually their laughter softens. By refusing to reduce them to their social role, Quixote accidentally gives them something rare: dignity. Someone has addressed them not with contempt, transaction, or mockery, but with reverence. His delusion temporarily elevates them beyond the harshness of ordinary reality.

And that is what brought the Gospel scene to my mind.

At the well, Jesus speaks to a Samaritan woman who also occupies a socially vulnerable position. The people around her likely already know her story. Her past has become public knowledge, perhaps even a source of gossip and quiet judgment. Yet Jesus does something astonishing: He speaks to her as a real person. Not as a category, not as a scandal, not as a stereotype, but as someone worthy of deep conversation and spiritual revelation.

The contrast between Quixote and Jesus, however, is crucial.

Quixote gives dignity through misrecognition.
Jesus gives dignity through perfect recognition.

Quixote cannot truly see the women before him. His kindness emerges from illusion. He transforms reality because he cannot accept it as it is.

Jesus does the opposite. He sees the Samaritan woman completely. He knows her history, her wounds, and the truths she herself hesitates to speak aloud. Yet His knowledge does not lead to rejection. Instead, it becomes the very ground of compassion.

That difference changes everything.

What overwhelms the Samaritan woman is not merely that Jesus knows her secrets. Others likely knew parts of her story already. The shock is that He knows—and still speaks with love and seriousness. She is fully seen without being annihilated by shame.

This is why her testimony becomes so powerful:
“He told me everything I ever did.”

There is no despair in that statement. It carries astonishment, even liberation. She has encountered someone before whom nothing is hidden, yet who still treats her as fully human.

The emotional center of both scenes lies in the human hunger to be seen beyond social labels.

In Cervantes, this happens through fantasy. Quixote’s madness briefly interrupts the world’s cruelty. For a moment, prostitutes become ladies, and an inn becomes a castle. His illusion softens reality.

But the Gospel offers something deeper and more difficult. Jesus does not redeem people by pretending they are something else. He loves them while seeing them truthfully.

Perhaps that is the profound difference between romance and grace.

Romance often beautifies by overlooking flaws.
Grace beautifies while fully aware of them.

And maybe that is why both scenes remain moving in such different ways. One reveals the strange human power of imagination to restore dignity, even accidentally. The other reveals a divine love so complete that it requires no illusion at all.

Quixote dreams people into nobility because he cannot bear the flatness of the world.

Jesus reveals nobility within broken people because He sees them more clearly than they see themselves.

The Pendulum and the Spring: Schopenhauer, Consumerism, and the Living Water

 

The human condition, according to the pessimistic philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer, is a cruel pendulum swinging endlessly between two poles: pain and boredom. On one side, we suffer from the ache of unfulfilled desire—thirst, hunger, ambition, longing. On the other, the moment a desire is satisfied, we are left with a strange emptiness that he called boredom. This is not mere idleness. It is the quiet discomfort of having nothing left to chase. And so the pendulum swings again. Boredom pushes us to create new desires, and the cycle begins anew.

Nowhere is this more visible than in the modern world. We live in a culture that thrives on this cycle. Advertisements do not really sell products. They sell the promise of satisfaction. The latest phone, the newest gadget, the trendiest fashion all appear as answers to a restlessness we can barely name. We scroll, compare, anticipate, and wait. For a moment, the purchase feels like relief. But it fades quickly. Sometimes it fades even before the package arrives. A newer version is already announced, and the quiet dissatisfaction returns.

The water we just drank makes us thirsty again.

This is not an accident. It is a system built on repeated desire. The world whispers constantly: you lack, buy this, now you are whole. Then, almost immediately, it tells you that you lack again. Schopenhauer would recognize this easily. It is the will to live expressing itself in endless striving, dressed up as progress and happiness.

But this diagnosis is older than Schopenhauer. Long before him, another voice spoke to the same restlessness.

In the Gospel of John, Jesus meets a woman at a well and offers her water. Then he says something striking: “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst.” At first, it sounds like a simple contrast between two kinds of water. But it goes deeper than that. He is pointing to a pattern. All ordinary water, not just physical but everything we chase in life, follows the same logic. It satisfies for a moment, then leaves us wanting again.

What he offers is different. It is not something external that must be repeatedly obtained. It becomes something within, a spring that does not run dry. To receive it is not to acquire another object, but to undergo a change in the self. The restless striving does not end because every desire is fulfilled. It quiets because the source of life is no longer outside us, always out of reach, but within, steady and renewing.

This is where the contrast becomes sharp. Both Schopenhauer and Jesus agree on the problem. Ordinary life, left to itself, produces endless thirst. But they diverge in their answers. Schopenhauer saw no final escape. At best, art, compassion, and a kind of resignation could soften the force of the pendulum. Jesus makes a more radical claim. The pendulum is not merely endured. It can lose its hold entirely.

The modern world, with its constant noise and endless promises, proves Schopenhauer right every day. Yet it also leaves behind a deeper hunger, one that consumption cannot satisfy. It is the kind of hunger that makes the idea of a spring, something that does not run dry, feel less like poetry and more like necessity.

In the end, each of us draws from somewhere. The world offers water that guarantees thirst. The living water offers something else. Not the end of desire, but its transformation. And in that transformation, the pendulum slows, weakens, and finally loses its power.

The Afterlife of a Single Blow

 

Man is, by his own estimation, a peaceful creature. He prides himself on his civility, his tolerance, and his ability to discuss disagreements over tea rather than with fists. He signs petitions, shares inspirational quotes, and assures himself that he has risen above the primitive instincts of his ancestors. Yet, if one were to search the quieter corners of his mind, one would almost always discover a modest but vivid catalogue of individuals whose sudden disappearance would not trouble him greatly.

This catalogue is never published, for it would disturb the image he has constructed of himself. He prefers to believe that he is kind, when in reality he is merely supervised by laws, social expectations, and the possibility of embarrassment. Society, therefore, does not eliminate violence; it simply places it under careful management, much like a dangerous animal kept behind glass in a zoo, where it may still bare its teeth, but only for educational purposes.

The modern entertainment industry, being a faithful servant of the human will, understands this arrangement perfectly. It offers the public a series of spectacles in which violence appears not as a regrettable failure of reason, but as a form of moral housekeeping. The hero, usually a man of few words and excellent posture, is confronted by a small army of enemies who obligingly attack him one at a time. He defeats them with admirable efficiency, sustaining only the kind of injuries that enhance his appearance. By the end of the film, justice has been restored, order has returned, and the hero walks away with the calm satisfaction of a man who has just tidied his living room.

The audience leaves the theatre with a peculiar sense of comfort. They have witnessed violence, but only in its most flattering form. It has appeared decisive, meaningful, and strangely elegant. They are reassured that if they themselves were ever forced into such circumstances, they too would behave with similar grace and effectiveness. The possibility that they might instead slip, panic, or make matters far worse does not receive serious consideration.

Reality, however, is not inclined toward elegance. Real violence is clumsy, brief, and frequently irreversible. It does not wait for moral clarity, nor does it consult the participants about the appropriate level of dramatic tension. It occurs suddenly, often over trivial matters, and concludes before anyone involved has fully grasped the situation. The consequences, on the other hand, proceed at a much slower pace, lingering in bodies, reputations, and memories with a persistence that no action sequence could ever portray.

A work such as Blood Meridian is unsettling precisely because it refuses to cooperate with the audience’s expectations. Violence there is not heroic, instructive, or even particularly interesting. It simply happens, as naturally and indifferently as a storm. Men die without speeches, without lessons, and without the courtesy of narrative closure. The effect is less like watching a drama and more like observing a fact.

This stands in sharp contrast to the popular belief that violence is a solution. In reality, violence resembles a debt rather than a payment. It does not settle accounts; it opens new ones. Each act leaves behind grievances, fears, and imitations that travel forward into the future. The man who strikes a blow may believe he has concluded a matter, but he has in fact enrolled himself in a longer and more complicated story.

The human imagination, being fond of pleasant illusions, prefers to dwell on the moment of victory. It pictures the instant in which the opponent falls, the anger dissolves, and a satisfying sense of justice fills the air. What it does not picture is the following week, or the following year, when the consequences begin to assemble themselves with quiet determination. Violence, unlike in the films, does not end when the body stops moving. That is often the moment when its true work begins.

It is therefore not entirely accurate to say that violence returns in some mystical or moral sense. It returns in the much more predictable form of cause and effect. Injuries demand treatment, families demand explanations, authorities demand paperwork, and memories demand attention. None of these are particularly dramatic, but together they form the long tail of a single impulsive act.

The wise person, if such a creature exists, does not pretend to be free of violent thoughts. He simply recognizes that acting upon them would not grant him the peace or dignity he imagines. He understands that the will, when indulged, rarely brings satisfaction, and that every apparent victory carries within it the seed of a new dissatisfaction.

Restraint, then, is not a heroic virtue. It is merely an intelligent one. It is the quiet decision to avoid entering conflicts that promise excitement in the present and complications in the future. It lacks the glamour of cinematic justice, but it has the advantage of allowing a man to sleep without wondering which part of his past is preparing to revisit him.

In this respect, the peaceful man is not the one who lacks violent impulses, but the one who has grown sufficiently tired of their consequences. 😌

Psalm 50—A meditation.

 I read Psalm 50 today, and I still feel a kind of trembling in my thoughts. It is not fear in the ordinary sense, but that strange feeling when you suddenly realize how small you are and how vast God is. The psalm does not begin with comfort. It begins with fire, with storm, with a God who summons the whole earth as if creation itself were a courtroom and He were the Judge before whom everything must stand.

There is something almost terrifying about it. God does not appear as a gentle idea or a soft spiritual presence. He arrives in majesty, in consuming fire, in a voice that shakes heaven and earth. And for a moment, I felt as if the psalm was building toward some unbearable demand, as though such a God would ask for endless sacrifices, perfect obedience, and a life too heavy for human shoulders.

But then the tone shifts in a way that feels almost shocking. God says He does not need their sacrifices. He is not hungry. The cattle on a thousand hills are already His. Every bird, every creature, every part of the world belongs to Him. It is as if He is saying, “Do you really think you are sustaining Me?”

And then, after all that majesty, after all that divine independence, comes the most unexpected line: call on me in the day of trouble.

That is what struck me the most. The God who stands above storms and summons the earth like a witness does not ask me to impress Him. He does not demand that I maintain His glory. He simply tells me to call on Him. It feels almost too simple. Almost too kind.

There is something deeply humbling about that. I spend so much time worrying about whether I am good enough, disciplined enough, faithful enough. And here is God, in all His majesty, saying that what He really wants is a heart that calls on Him.

He really is worthy to be God. Not because He demands everything, but because He owns everything and still chooses to invite the weak, the troubled, and the needy to come to Him.

Journal Entry — “The Little Things That Make a Life”

 

I just finished watching Good Will Hunting, and I don’t know how to explain it — the film settled somewhere deep inside me. It wasn’t like the usual kind of movies I love (The Seventh Seal, Silence of the Lambs, God on Trial, No Country for Old Men). Those are stark, philosophical, heavy with questions about death, justice, chance, and the strange moral deserts of the human heart.

Good Will Hunting felt… gentler. But somehow just as profound.

It made me think about how life is more than just career, brilliance, or “making it.” We say this all the time, but the film actually shows it — in the little things, the imperfect things, the human things. The way Sean talks about his late wife, not with polished sentimentality, but with raw detail — the smell of a hospital room, the way imperfections turn into intimacy. There’s something painfully honest about that. Something I felt in my chest.

And then there’s Will. A genius who can solve equations that make professors sweat, yet terrified of the one thing that would make his life real: letting someone know him. Not the smart version of him. Him.

Maybe that’s what touched me the most. I realized how vulnerable it is to allow others into the places where we’re small — not brilliant, not impressive, just human.
And maybe that’s what I keep running away from too.

But the scene that really stayed with me was Will’s rant during the NASA/NSA(?) interview. He basically tells them: “Sure, I could do the job. I could build something beautiful, sophisticated, brilliant. But somewhere, someone will die because of what I built — and no one will even know.”

I couldn’t help thinking of Hannah Arendt’s banality of evil. The way Eichmann wasn’t a monstrous figure dripping with malice but a bureaucrat who stopped thinking about the human cost of his obedience. Will refuses to be that. He refuses to turn human pain into an abstraction so he can feel good about a paycheck and the illusion of doing something “important.”

It struck me how close this is to Arendt’s warning: evil grows when people separate technical skill from moral imagination.

Maybe that’s why this movie hit me differently. Because beneath the jokes and the Boston slang, the film is doing something I love — the same thing Pascal, Lewis, Kierkegaard, Dostoevsky, and even Arendt do in their own ways. It’s asking:

What makes a life worth living?
Is a brilliant mind enough if the heart stays untouched?
Is success meaningful if you lose the little things?
The real things?

I kept thinking: life isn’t built in achievements; it’s built in human bonds — tender, risky, imperfect, but real. And maybe that’s where meaning hides, not in the grand narratives but in the small choices we make to stay human.

Maybe that’s the lesson I needed tonight.